Always the Fat Girl

I read Jezebel.com a lot. Too much probably. Lately there have been multiple articles regarding fat acceptance, and the comments there are a 50/50 experience. Like a train wreck, I am drawn to these conversations despite knowing I should look away and move on.

Some comments are fine and empowering, others are "I am fat, but I exercise and eat lentils and am super healthy", a large portion are "I only say things about fat people because health" concern trolling, and the rest are summed up in the fuck you fatty fashion. I hate, hate, hate the comments as they serve as a constant reminder that, even on a site that trends towards feminist and body positive ideals, I will always be a fat (first) girl (second).

Here's the deal; I will not lie to you, I do have medical issues and have dealt with crippling depression, but I also like fucking cheeseburgers and pizzas and that probably doesn't help matters. I was diagnosed with PCOS, probably have a thyroid issue considering this giant ass lump on my throat, spent three years suffering from severe depression due to grief, and still probably shouldn't be as fat as I am.

I did however recently switch to a vegan diet, cutting out processed and fast foods. I also joined the gym. I have lost 30lbs so far and am super happy about it. Occasionally beans and veggies and rice doesn't do it for me and I get something crappy to eat. I am but human. Every time I do this I know what people around me are thinking and it fucking destroys me.

I gaze longingly at thigh gaps and rib cages wishing I could skip the years of diet and exercise ahead of me and just get to where I should be. Not for me so much, but to be able to escape the public eye. To feel good about who I am all of the time. Like, hey, I am a fat fat fatty, but I am doing so good! These giant special plus size store pants are a size smaller than my giant-er ones. Let's celebrate!

Perhaps the fat acceptance movement shouldn't be viewed as promotion of obesity, but a reminder to just be fucking kind. A reminder that shaming and humiliating people does not urge them to keep going, it knocks them down and it hurts. It makes me want to give up because even when I am trying my hardest at diet and exercise, I am always the fat girl who should diet and exercise (the circle jerk of fat).

It's like a fat person can't even have an occasional cheeseburger because fat.

I am a person, like you. I have goals, like you. And like you I want to be able to be proud of my accomplishments and supported in my failures. I want to be more than excess fat with no self control and a love affair with shit food.

I want to be a fucking person.

Small Rooms

i hang out in small rooms

 with large people

surrounded by enormous things  

                things to remember

          things to forget

secrets tucked in between books and stuffed under pillows

whispers that echo on and on

and screams that stop abruptly

i lounge there in lamplight

                sunbathing in cigarette smoke and dust

kept warm by blankets of sweat and wine

the room gets smaller

                the people grow larger

enormity upon enormity

creating a tower like structure of life

                a density

          impenetrable

carried on by the wave of time

i do not falter

                i do not shake

i breathe

                And hang out in small rooms