Always the Fat Girl

I read Jezebel.com a lot. Too much probably. Lately there have been multiple articles regarding fat acceptance, and the comments there are a 50/50 experience. Like a train wreck, I am drawn to these conversations despite knowing I should look away and move on.

Some comments are fine and empowering, others are "I am fat, but I exercise and eat lentils and am super healthy", a large portion are "I only say things about fat people because health" concern trolling, and the rest are summed up in the fuck you fatty fashion. I hate, hate, hate the comments as they serve as a constant reminder that, even on a site that trends towards feminist and body positive ideals, I will always be a fat (first) girl (second).

Here's the deal; I will not lie to you, I do have medical issues and have dealt with crippling depression, but I also like fucking cheeseburgers and pizzas and that probably doesn't help matters. I was diagnosed with PCOS, probably have a thyroid issue considering this giant ass lump on my throat, spent three years suffering from severe depression due to grief, and still probably shouldn't be as fat as I am.

I did however recently switch to a vegan diet, cutting out processed and fast foods. I also joined the gym. I have lost 30lbs so far and am super happy about it. Occasionally beans and veggies and rice doesn't do it for me and I get something crappy to eat. I am but human. Every time I do this I know what people around me are thinking and it fucking destroys me.

I gaze longingly at thigh gaps and rib cages wishing I could skip the years of diet and exercise ahead of me and just get to where I should be. Not for me so much, but to be able to escape the public eye. To feel good about who I am all of the time. Like, hey, I am a fat fat fatty, but I am doing so good! These giant special plus size store pants are a size smaller than my giant-er ones. Let's celebrate!

Perhaps the fat acceptance movement shouldn't be viewed as promotion of obesity, but a reminder to just be fucking kind. A reminder that shaming and humiliating people does not urge them to keep going, it knocks them down and it hurts. It makes me want to give up because even when I am trying my hardest at diet and exercise, I am always the fat girl who should diet and exercise (the circle jerk of fat).

It's like a fat person can't even have an occasional cheeseburger because fat.

I am a person, like you. I have goals, like you. And like you I want to be able to be proud of my accomplishments and supported in my failures. I want to be more than excess fat with no self control and a love affair with shit food.

I want to be a fucking person.